Get ready to squirm. These barbaric Halloween treats are absolutely real, and they take the gross-out factor one step further than one step too far.
That’s right. Dried nasal mucus now comes in three flavors with equally vulgar names like Snottermelon, Sour Green Boogy, and Lemon Loogy. Each is a different size and shape, with a squishy texture, just like a real booger. The best part is the slightly salty aftertaste—a familiar flavor to ill-mannered children (and adults) everywhere.
You won’t find a sour gooey center or hard candy shell on these unsettling delicacies. That’s because they’re just dead crickets, no gimmicks or camera tricks. They do, however, have a flavorful coating of Bacon & Cheese, Salt & Vinegar, or Sour Cream & Onion powder. Somehow, that just makes them even more disturbing. Everyone knows dead insects are supposed to be coated in chocolate (more on that later).
Thankfully, this one is actuallya gimmick. The three-inch turds are really just molded milk chocolate. What makes them so unsettling is the painstaking detail that has been put into their slick, slightly porous texture. They even come in plastic doggy bags with “green grass” confetti. Removing one from the bag is sure to bring back memories of the time your dog did its business on the living room carpet.
One can only guess who hosted the meeting where these bumpy green cucumber candies were deemed passable, let alone which participant decided they should taste sweet and fruity. But then, who among us hasn’t sunk his teeth into a juicy dill pickle and thought, “If only this tasted more like fruit”? Okay, maybe none of us have ever thought that. It doesn’t help that the candies themselves look more like green excrement than any kind of gourd… or fruit, for that matter.
You’d think there would be some kind of health code prohibiting the distribution of lollipops that contain real scorpions, at least to minors. There isn’t. As it turns out, the predatory arthropod is perfectly harmless and even edible once its venomous stinger has been removed (preferably after it’s been dead for a while). Of course, most of us would still turn lily-livered as soon as we felt a bumpy exoskeleton against our tongues.
Trained health professionals might be able to spot the gimmick here, but most of us would be fooled if we saw it out in public. Imagine finding one just sitting around in a public restroom, or left behind at a bus stop somewhere. Chances are, none of us would even dare to touch it, let alone sample its sour liquid candy contents. Of course, that’s when some astute prankster would come along and chug the whole thing right in front of us.
You can improve upon almost any food by dipping it in chocolate. Twinkies? Even better dipped in the sweet brown stuff. Strips of bacon? Lather ‘em up. Chocolate covered corndogs? We might let that one slide. But insects? As in, real insects? Like, dead grub worm, slug, and grasshopper-type insects? Probably a good place to draw the line. The fact that you can just make out their curled up carcasses beneath those layers of chocolate only makes matters worse.
Eating boogers is one thing. Most of us at least tried a sample back when we were in grade school, just to see what all the hype was about. But even then, it never occurred to us that the inner depths of our ear canals might provide a scrumptious source of food. Well, apparently it occurred to at least one person, because these gummy earwax candies exist. They come in dark yellow lumps, just like the real deal. Thankfully, they taste much better. (I mean, that’s what I heard.)
Lollipops shaped like tiny toilets might be a tad distasteful, but they’d still be acceptable. Lollipops shaped like tiny toilets soiled with runny brown feces? That’s a little different. Of course, the soupy brown sewage that appears to be the mark of a person with serious giardia is really just a squirt of brown liquid candy. On the other hand, just the fact that it’s there, sitting at the bottom of each bowl, makes the experience of fishing ones tongue around in it a little too… vivid.
It’s just a bunch of colorful hard candy slabs designed to look like miniature ant farms, right? Well, yeah, except that those little black spots that look like ants arein fact real dead ants, entombed forever in their sugary prisons… at least, until some unsuspecting party guest comes along and licks his way to their crunchy corpses. Rest assured, these insects are as harmless and edible as all the others. Somehow, that may not be reassuring enough.
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably never had the sudden urge to break into your nearest toxic waste dump, wrench open one of the steel drums, and chug hazardous slime to your heart’s content. Then again, if you were like most people, you wouldn’t be serving miniature versions of the stuff to all the kiddies on Halloween. Yes, these are pieces of gum shaped like toxic waste barrels, and they even have their own oozing green stuff inside. Their contents may not be radioactive, but they are extremely sour.
Want to squirm even more? Check out our whole smorgasbord of revolting Halloween goodies, including gummy worm-infested brains and fish head suckers, by clicking here.