Breaking News: Giant Animal Disasters Hit the Shores of Candy Country!

Intense candy animal disasters, the likes of which the world has never before experienced, are hitting the confection-filled town of Candy Country! Our candy elves are reporting live from the scene:


One part giant twister, one part insane jaws attack — a shark-infested tornado (also known as “Sharknado”) wreaked havoc upon this generally quaint and calm town.

Sharks fell from the air, swam through the streets, and chomped upon any human with whom they came into close contact. It was a frighteningly fishy cyclone!

And now, even after all the terrifying effects of the Sharknado, it seems that the unexpected creature-centric calamities are far from over.

Citizens of BonBon Borough recounted sightings of massive oceanic creatures falling from the sky and landing upon the ground with such force, causing massive tremors throughout the suburb.

That’s right, folks, it’s worse than an earthquake and more terrifying than a kraken attack… it’s a Gummy EarthKraken! (That’s an earthquake caused by falling gigantic gummy octopuses, for those of you who aren’t following.) And if up until now you naively believed that the kraken was just a legendary mythical beast of colossal proportions, we must shake you out of this happy state of oblivion: Not only are they very real, they are also very sour, munchable and delicious!

And in the wake of the shake, the city’s shores experienced major ocean swells caused by a 1,763-foot-high Gummy Bearnami!

This massive chewy monster is flooding the streets with sugary sweetness and intoxicating fruit flavor, so much so that the town’s residents have planned a festival this evening to feast upon the ridiculously large visitor.

We now bring you back to your regularly scheduled programming…

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